Who AM I?

Many sleepless nights with this beautiful quest- Who Am I? Am I what I see myself to be? Or Am I what others see me to be? Am I the one encaged in this body? Or Am I the beautiful wind that blows free…..When life confronts you with these questions- everything else seem meaningless. Am I the pain? Or Am I the witness to this pain? Is birth my beginning or death my end? Or am I beyond all these..?

It is indeed a topsy-turvy life….it is never the same or should I say I am never the same, I am a  loving mother, I am a workaholic employee, I am the carefree woman, I am the innocent child who loves to experiment, who loves to smile and giggle all day round as nothing really is worth worrying. Or should I say am I the entrepreneur boggled down with tension and worry of not just one family but all those who depend on me. Am I the vagabond who would love to live a carefree life? Am I the feminist? Or Am I the  wife who craves for love and care from her family? Am I the sorrow that I experience, or am I the depression that I face? Am I the spiritual seeker? Or am I the fierce and passionate lover? Am I the rude and arrogant self that I sometimes behave to be or am I the very beautiful angelic self that I experience to be. Am I the generous giver? Am I the selfish self-centered seeker who craves for love and attention from the loved ones; who cries and complaints of every small difficulty or problem in life?

Many years passed out living this topsy-turvy life, a moment of happiness that makes life look beautiful, a moment of sadness makes life so very unbearable. Nothing seems to pacify me. Moments of happiness come to end, so do the moments of sadness. Lying on the bed in the darkness of night I rewind the entire span of my life, images, memories, people, experiences, moments of happiness, and moments of despair. Is this what I want to happen when I lay on my death bed?  A deep regret, that years  just passed yet no lessons learnt. I have been put here on this earth for a purpose, what is the purpose of this life school I attended? Is it just to be stuck to the “I Am”? Or move beyond it? How many births? How many life times will this exercise run? Before the darkness ends and the bright morning shines there is a beautiful twilight; and the beautiful verses of Atmashtakam flow ; as they say ask and you will receive. I have heard Atmashtakam many times before, but today each word resonated with deeper meaning.

It is all there so beautifully said….tears flow with realization that I am none of this branding that I carried with myself from childhood; or may be several life times… a life time has been spent running beyond things, running beyond images, running beyond experiences, words spoken hurt many; words unspoken hurt myself what was it joy, sense of accomplishment, trying to push each other down, trying to always be one up- “I Am”.

 What a futile living, will pass away more years and then buried unsung unknown. When everything comes to a standstill…when they bury this body…..what difference would it then make…..who weeps behind me or rejoices my death. Each of us know this truth but yet the drill we practice all through our life is this is ME and this is  what “I Am”, and this drill of " ME" " MINE" "MY" is like a one big jig saw puzzle, we have all the pieces , but yet they are scattered, and  each of us scramble to fit the pieces together, and to our understanding we succeed to  fit these pieces, but yet we fail to notice the minute spaces that were left in between  though many pieces may look alike, may seem alike, still it is not Real.

Here are the beautiful verses of Atmashtakam with its meaning:

Mano buddhya-hankara chittani naham
Na cha shrotra jihve, na cha ghrana netre
Na cha vyoma bhumirna tejo na vayuhu
Chidananda rupah shivoham shivoham. (1) 

I am not the mind, neither the intellect, nor the thought, nor the ego, or some form of the supreme being; I neither have ears, nor tongue and I neither have nose (nostrils) nor eyes; I am not the sky, earth, light or the wind; I am the fortunate, joyful, supreme being who is the very emblem of truth, knowledge and eternal bliss. I am consciousness and bliss. I am Shiva, I am Shiva.  

Na cha prana sangno na vai pancha vayuhu
Na va sapta dhatur na va pancha koshaha
Na vak pani padau na chopastha payoo
Chidananda rupah shivoham shivoham .(2).

I am not the most essential air that everyone breathes. Nor a part of essential five gases related to bodily functions. I am not the seven-fold material  that help in body’s physical development, I am not part of five coverings that help to build up the personality (food, air, mind, knowledge or wisdom and pleasure). Nor am I the five organs of action , I am the fortunate, joyful, supreme being who is the very emblem of truth, knowledge and eternal bliss. I am consciousness and bliss. I am Shiva, I am Shiva.

 

Na me dvesha ragau na me lobha mohau

Mado naiva me naiva matsarya bhavah

Na dharmo na chartho na kamo na mokshah

Chidananda rupah shivoham shivoham .(3).

I have no likes or dislikes; Not I have any greed or delusion; I am neither pride nor arrogance; Nor am I jealous  of anyone or in competition with anyone ; I do not need the four main necessities of life (which are Dharma (Law of Life), Artha (Wealth), Kama (Desires) and Moksha (Liberation); I am the fortunate, joyful, supreme being who is the very emblem of truth, knowledge and eternal bliss. I am consciousness and bliss. I am Shiva, I am Shiva.

 

Na punyam na papam na saukhyam na dukham

Na mantro na tirtham na veda na yagnaha

Aham bhojanam naiva bhojyam na bhokta

Chidananda rupah shivoham shivoham .(4).

I am not attached to any righteousness or sin; I have neither pleasure nor sorrow; I have no need for any Mantra; I have no need for pilgrimages ; I have no need for any sacred scriptures; nor do I perform any sacrifice or rituals; I am neither the meal nor the one who consumes or what is consumed; I am the fortunate, joyful, supreme being who is the very emblem of truth, knowledge and eternal bliss. I am consciousness and bliss. I am Shiva, I am Shiva.

 

Na me mrutyu shanka na me jati bhedah

Pita naiva me naiva mata na janma

Na bandhur na mitram gurur naiva shishyah

Chidananda rupah shivoham shivoham .(5).

 

I have no fear of death, nor do I have caste distinctions; I neither have a father nor mother because I was never born; I have neither kin/relatives nor friends; I have no gurus and nor am I a disciple; I am the fortunate, joyful, supreme being who is the very emblem of truth, knowledge and eternal bliss. I am consciousness and bliss. I am Shiva, I am Shiva.

Aham nirvikalpo nirakara rupo

Vibhur vyapya sarvatra sarvendriyanam

Sada me samatvam na muktir na bandhah

Chidananda rupah shivoham shivoham .(6).

 

I am free of thoughts and beyond imagination since I have no form; I am all-pervading and exist everywhere; I am the king of all sense-organs; I am always impartial to everything and everyone,; I am free from everything and I have no attachment to anything; I am the fortunate, joyful, supreme being who is the very emblem of truth, knowledge and eternal bliss. I am consciousness and bliss. I am Shiva, I am Shiva.

 ATMASTAKAM – Chant of Shiva